Jump to content


Darlene Don't Believe In The No-Win Scenario

Kobayashi Maru

  • Please log in to reply
21 replies to this topic

#1 ICanSleepWhenI'mDead

ICanSleepWhenI'mDead

    Veteran

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,888 posts

Posted 12 November 2012 - 06:51 PM

Some things in the universe just can't be explained.  Take my sister Darlene, for example.  Some of you know that she was born early, and didn't get 'nuff air.  So she has special needs, but she also has a gift.  It's kinda like how some autistic kids are idiot savants at math (think Rain Man), only different.  The day momma had Darlene, the Bambino died - - yeah, Babe Ruth, the guy who pointed to the outfield with his bat and called his home run shot.  Maybe that has sumthin' to do with why Darlene has always been fascinated with sports.  She just kinda has a taser-like focus whenever sports are on TV - - even when the Tide is up by 35 late in the game.

This one time years ago, she mumbles "Forget Ralph Sampson, bet the farm on Chaminade."  Sadly, we didn't know what she meant at the time.  But I regress.  The point is, I've been a Bills fan for years, so Darlene seen most of there games.  Yesterday, on the last Patriots drive, I got excited when we held the Pats to a late field goal.

Me:  "A TD drive that uses up the clock, and we win!"
Darlene:  "Just wait"

Spiller turns a short crossing pattern into a big gain AND gets out of bounds:

Me:  "We got a real shot at this!"
Darlene: "Just wait"

Fred Jackson takes a wicked hit, fumbles, and four Patriots jump on the ball, but Eric Woods comes out of the scrum with it:

Me:  "I'm tellin' ya, it's payback day.  We're gonna take 'em!'
Darlene: "Just wait"

On 1st down with no timeouts left, Fitzgibbons barely misses Chandler in the end zone:

Me:  "Their playin' smart - - they know they gotta take shots at the end zone - - we got time for three more!"
Darlene: "Just wait"

We all know what happened next.  So later on I'm tellin' one of my brothers about how we are just snake-bit and things are friggin' hopeless because nothin's ever gonna change while Ralph still owns the team - - "It's a no-win scenario" I says.

Darlene looks me straight in the eye and says:

"I don't believe in the no-win scenario - - fire Nix and hire William Shatner."

So I'm thinkin' Darlene has finally gone totally over the edge - - hiring an actor as GM makes no sense at all.  But then I figured on it some more, and I think I know what she meant.

See, turns out Darlene was also lookin' over my shoulder at the TV durin' all them Stars Wars episodes.  So she seen the one where Captain Kirk beats the "no-win" Kobayashi Maru scenario by changing the programming of the simulator.

A lot of people think Ralph meddled with many football decisions over the years (it is his team after all), and the future of the franchise is murky after he's gone.  So any GM of this team has to face the no-win scenario, just like Captain Kirk did.

So if Captain Kirk was GM of the Bills, could he change the rules of the game enough to beat the no-win scenario?  I think he could.  Here's one obvious example:

Ralph will meddle with QB drafting decisions, ensuring that we never get a franchise QB till he's gone.  While we could tribble about the precise details, the obvious way to surmount that obstacle is to change the rules of the game to make what we currently call a "franchise QB" less important to winning the game.  Maybe we get the rules committee to protect the QB less - - pretty soon nobody's got a "franchise QB."  That evens the playing field for us - - what's good for the goose is good for the gander, just like in Genesis.

Or maybe we convince Goodell that WRs are all prima donnas, and the game will be easier to market overseas if we make high-character electrifying runners like Spiller more featured.  Goodell could do that - - who cares how?  Make him believe the NFL needs more more Walter Peytons and Jim Browns, and less Plaxico Burri, and our future is suddenly much brighter, in spite of Ralph.

The doctors say Darlene's condition prevents her from having what lay people consider a normal "brainstorm."  When someone like her has one, it's just as smart, but it smells funny to her because her old-factory senses are affected.  In her mind, it's a "fart-storm."

I think Darlene had a great fart-storm.  How do you think Captain Kirk could work within the constraints of Ralph's ownership, and turn this medee-okra team into a winner?

I've got a few ideas, but I'm interested in yours.

#2 Fan in San Diego

Fan in San Diego

    Old Sage from way back when.

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 11,555 posts

Posted 12 November 2012 - 07:00 PM

What did she mean by "Forget Ralph Sampson, bet the farm on Chaminade?"

#3 Corp000085

Corp000085

    Stylin' and Profilin'

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 5,823 posts

Posted 12 November 2012 - 07:11 PM

View PostFan in San Diego, on 12 November 2012 - 07:00 PM, said:

What did she mean by "Forget Ralph Sampson, bet the farm on Chaminade?"
http://sportsillustr...20412/index.htm

#4 Fan in San Diego

Fan in San Diego

    Old Sage from way back when.

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 11,555 posts

Posted 12 November 2012 - 07:17 PM

Very cool, thanks for sharing with us. I nominate Darlene as our resident crystal ball. Keep us posted if she predicts what happens to RW, Nix, Chan and the Stach.

#5 ICanSleepWhenI'mDead

ICanSleepWhenI'mDead

    Veteran

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,888 posts

Posted 12 November 2012 - 07:23 PM

View PostFan in San Diego, on 12 November 2012 - 07:17 PM, said:

Very cool, thanks for sharing with us. I nominate Darlene as our resident crystal ball. Keep us posted if she predicts what happens to RW, Nix, Chan and the Stach.
No promises - - fart-storms are unpredictable.

#6 CodeMonkey

CodeMonkey

    All Pro

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 7,788 posts

Posted 13 November 2012 - 12:17 PM

Interesting story, thanks for sharing.  A nice break from the normal 'Fitz sucks, no he doesn't" topics :)

Who does she like Thursday? :)

#7 Dirtbag

Dirtbag

    RFA

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 933 posts

Posted 14 November 2012 - 12:24 AM

this thread hasn't gotten nearly enough attention.  or at least responses.  nice work.

#8 KollegeStudnet

KollegeStudnet

    on like a mofo

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,753 posts

Posted 14 November 2012 - 12:41 AM

maybe she thinks its...William Shatner Polian?

Edited by KollegeStudnet, 14 November 2012 - 12:42 AM.


#9 San Jose Bills Fan

San Jose Bills Fan

    San Jose Bills Fan

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 20,764 posts

Posted 14 November 2012 - 12:48 AM

Is this what Darlene looks like?

http://brianholmes.f...ecog-agatha.jpg

#10 Rubes

Rubes

    The Doctor of Football...is IN

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 8,985 posts

Posted 14 November 2012 - 01:38 AM

View PostDirtbag, on 14 November 2012 - 12:24 AM, said:

this thread hasn't gotten nearly enough attention.  or at least responses.  nice work.

I agree. That was pretty entertaining.


#11 Mark Vader

Mark Vader

    All Pro

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 7,736 posts

Posted 14 November 2012 - 01:56 AM

View PostRubes, on 14 November 2012 - 01:38 AM, said:

I agree. That was pretty entertaining.
Meh

#12 Meathead

Meathead

    certified meatrosexual

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,319 posts

Posted 14 November 2012 - 03:52 AM

star TREK

#13 gjnoronh

gjnoronh

    Rookie

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 397 posts

Posted 14 November 2012 - 05:58 AM

That's part of the amusement you know

#14 xsoldier54

xsoldier54

    Veteran

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,601 posts

Posted 14 November 2012 - 09:10 AM

Lots of work for something so blatantly offensive.

#15 Buftex

Buftex

    JIM KELLY: the reason for the seasons!

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 16,724 posts

Posted 14 November 2012 - 09:13 AM

Shatner is the only GM to ever pass the Kobayashi Maru... Darlene may be on to something!

#16 PaattMaann

PaattMaann

    TBD's Resident Drunk

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,611 posts

Posted 14 November 2012 - 09:28 AM

i enjoyed the story and post until you started talking Trekkie, then I tuned out so Im not sure what the point was..then you started babbling about changing rules and the Sheriff and I lost track of the argument....

what I will take from it is, all hope is not lost.....

#17 ICanSleepWhenI'mDead

ICanSleepWhenI'mDead

    Veteran

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,888 posts

Posted 14 November 2012 - 06:32 PM

View Postxsoldier54, on 14 November 2012 - 09:10 AM, said:

Lots of work for something so blatantly offensive.
Hey, it ain't my fault Chami-nada beat Virginia.  Take it up with Ralph Sampson.

#18 ICanSleepWhenI'mDead

ICanSleepWhenI'mDead

    Veteran

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,888 posts

Posted 14 November 2012 - 08:40 PM

View PostSan Jose Bills Fan, on 14 November 2012 - 12:48 AM, said:

Is this what Darlene looks like?

http://brianholmes.f...ecog-agatha.jpg
Reports are - - - that's just a minority opinion. C'mon man, I can talk about Darlene 'cause she's family. If you want to fantasize about what she looks like, I guess it's a free country (long as you don't try to start a humorous Bills thread on the main TSW message board), but keep it to yourself.
___________________________________________________________

And to any mod who happens to read this:

Not even an icon to show that this thread was moved to OffThe Wall, even though it specifically talks about the most recent Bills game, Nix, Ralph, and asks for Bills related responses? Your rules, not mine, but somebody please 'splain to me why this thread was moved.

Edited by ICanSleepWhenI'mDead, 14 November 2012 - 08:43 PM.


#19 ICanSleepWhenI'mDead

ICanSleepWhenI'mDead

    Veteran

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,888 posts

Posted 25 January 2013 - 01:41 PM

Darlene says that if William Shatner was our GM, he could have hired Kirstie Alley to be Aaron Maybin's strength and conditioning coach.  There is no doubt she could have put some meat on his bones.  Just compare her svelte role with Shatner in "Wrath of Khan" with the whale who later was on "Dancing With The Stars."   All she had to do was put him on her own diet, and the guy would now be able to set the edge and not just run around people.

Maybe the Bengals will hire her:

http://www.profootba...sign-olb-maybin

#20 Cugalabanza

Cugalabanza

    formerly known as gringo starr

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 7,156 posts

Posted 25 January 2013 - 03:07 PM

"It's hard to win in the Kobayashi Maru scenario."

I like Darlene's ideas.  The Bills definitely do need more "Shatner."  Those guys in the early 90's had the Shatner.  I don't know where it went, but they gotta get it back.

Kirstie Alley, I'm not so sure.  Although she had her heyday around the same time as the Bills, so maybe there's a connection there too.  Maybe George Wendt for offensive line coach.

Edited by gringo starr, 25 January 2013 - 03:10 PM.